Clumsy (2006)

Fergie // Song of the Week

“Clumsy” is Fergie’s best song, and that is hard for me to say. Front to back, The Dutchess is all hits. It spawned five multi-platinum singles and it still feels underrated. We did not know what we had with Fergie, and I for one will forever be grateful to her for her contribution to the Pop Music Landscape. But even on an album with “London Bridge”, “Glamorous,” and “Big Girls Don’t Cry”, “Clumsy” stands out.

It’s so instantly recognizable, so iconic. It’s one of those tracks that you recognize the second it starts up, and you run to the dance floor as soon as your mind registers what’s playing. It’s one of three songs that I can’t listen to while driving or I will crash. If it comes on the radio, I pull over and let the ecstasy wash over me.

It’s so true to the spirit of having a crush and/or falling in love too quickly. In her cheeky little spoken-word interlude, Fergie confesses that this ain’t the first time this lovesickness thing has happened to her, because she loves serious relationships, so even after one ends, the love bug just comes around and bites her again. Relatable.

I don’t date at the moment, but I DO jump from crush to crush like a flea at a dog show. At any given moment I’ll have a crush on 1-5 people, some of them serious, some of them fleeting, most of them Republicans. They’ll usually last between a week and a month (the amount of time it takes for me to confirm that they are in fact Republicans), but when one drops, a new one forms, and I’ll spend all night stalking their socials for any hint that they might be interested.

They never are, and they’re usually poor choices for me, and it’s generally kind of a relief when I find a post of them with their significant others, but the feeling of butterflies in my stomach is so wonderful. I LIVE for the experience of “slipping, tumbling, sinking, fumbling,” and being “clumsy cause I’m falling in love.”

I love crushes so much, because they require no commitment from either party and no one has to know they exist! I can admire from afar and not get my feelings hurt, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. With a crush, it doesn’t matter if they’re gay, straight, or taken. You don’t have to spend money on them. And you still get that sweet shot of serotonin when they favorite your tweet or laugh at your dumb joke. There are no negatives!

This all feels topical this week because I have two big stupid crushes that will never formulate into anything, but they bring me lots of joy and they’ve been giving me attention lately. So if you need me, I’ll be bumping “Clumsy” 24/7 and smiling at my phone for the foreseeable future (ending only when they reveal themselves to be Republicans).

*** Author’s note: “Clumsy” is yet another song that we wouldn’t have had without the genius and vision of Little Richard. It’s built around a sample of “The Girl Can’t Help It,” and truly would not work without it. Little Richard was a pioneer, and there’s a huge hole in the music industry where he once stood. Never forget that Rock and Roll was created by people of color and colonized and claimed by white men, like just about everything else in history.